For me, Motherhood has been a journey, not a destination

10:07 pm - Roads I never traveled

It's really been a while.

Sorry. I was huddled in a ball...reading other people's journals. Stunned that Chez Miscarriage has closed her doors--albiet for an amazing reason. Marveling at the strength of Uterine Wars and Cubbiegirl, and hoping things work out really damn soon forHeidi I think I needed to concentrate on people who weren't me. I'm back now...will be blogging much more faithfully.
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For those who have never heard of her, Dar Williams is an amazing songwriter. She has a song called "You're Aging Well". While I don't know all the lyrics by heart (well, especially since her diction isn't the world's greatest) there's a line there that says "The Road to Enchantment was not mine to take"

This whole IF thing is like that. We're shooting for November. November to start things up. November to begin the paperwork to become parents. I'm just so worried...so worried that something else is going to come up and stop this. We've been here before. February 2005 we were going to start....money problems. Okay July....D lost his job. Okay September...we're still recovering from D losing his job. November. What's going to happen now?

I want to hold a child in my arms and sing "Baby Mine." (Although I have sung to my nieces and the friends of my children I have never sung that song...I have been waiting for my own baby to sing it.) I know that my daughter will be screaming her head off...but hey...that's what lullying is for.

And yet I am mourning the child of my husband and my body. I am mourning my own faith...and the fact that it is so thin right now...so thin.

Well at least one of us is...I need to return to weight watchers and stay with it this time.

I need something more to happen...I need to make something happen.

Current Mood: discontent